Dear Braylon Edwards,

I’ve been seeing your 5-Hour Energy commercial a lot lately. While I don’t partake in the consumption of energy drinks myself, I am subject to commercials for them, especially yours and the Osi Umenyiora one — afterall, I do watch a lot of sports, and you’re both athletes. So, obviously, your ads show up on ESPN and other sports channels a lot.

Anyway, I felt that I needed to address something from your commercial. You mention typical dialogue between you and one of your friends on the Cleveland Browns, “one of the guys (you’re) with a lot,” as it pertains to both his and your possession and consumption of 5-Hour Energy:

He likes it. He calls me to make sure I have two when I come in the morning, ’cause he always needs one. I say, “Well, go buy your own,” but I’m kinda like the 5-Hour designated driver.

Umm… Braylon? Can I call you Bray? How ’bout Lon? Ayl? Anyway, sorry to burst your bubble — and I realize this was just a quickly- and cheaply-made commercial — but in no way does the situation you just explained equate you to being a designated driver.

Designated drivers abstain from drinking so they’re not impaired. That way, they can drive everyone else who is impaired home.

I’m sorry to point this out, but, dude, by driving your teammate around while partaking in the 5-Hour Energy drinkfest yourself, as well as by providing the 5-Hour Energy to your teammate, you’re actually quite far — sorta more like the opposite, and then some — from being a designated driver.

In your commercial, the situation you explain makes you the equivalent of a cross between a drunk chaffeur and a drug dealer.

Anyway, next time please give more thought to your analogies.

Happy holidays,

Josh